The Thirteen Suggestions
by Richard Anderson
TO: Adam, Eve, Cain, et. al.
SUBJECT: “The Ten Commandments”
FROM: God @ Gmail.God
Hey! Long time. Would have friended you on Facebook, but since you’re not allowed to see my face, a simple email will suffice.
Been busy with a lot of other shit in my ever expanding universe that has taken all my time with creating more solar systems, and they just don’t take six days dudes, that was your book. The more sentient species I create in my image the more problems. And that damned Lucifer is a raging hemorrhoid in my Andromeda Galaxy—LOL—if you know what I mean.
Speaking of the book, what’s up with that? Seems somebody changed the original ‘Ten Suggestions’ I gave to Mo on Sinai, and while Sonny Boy, (J.C. to you), was attending to his ‘Father’s business’ some jokers took deific license, changed ‘Suggestions’ to ‘Commandments’, and bolloxed up what I Am Who Am originally intended.
So, let’s get those ‘Suggestions’ back on track.
One: Yeah, you bet your asses “I am the Lord Thy God…” Blah, blah, blah. I have many names but don’t bust people’s chops if they decide to worship me under one of my many aliases.
Two: I wish I had a nickel for every time somebody said, “Goddammit”. I don’t give a good Goddamn if you take my name in vain. Hey, I take my own name in vain when shit happens and shit happens big time on a cosmic scale you better believe it! If ya gotta swear—ya gotta swear! Like, when Jesus was fifteen he expected his mother to take out the the garbage, and I called down to him—scared the shit outta him the first time—“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, show some thanks to your who mother who does everything for you”. Yeah, sometimes I say, “Muthafukka”,when I screw up and do something contrary to the Laws of Physics ‘cause there’s one thing you can’t fool around with is the Laws of Physics. Time machines? NFW!
Three: Who said any one day is the Sabbath day? Sabbath, shmabbath. Every day or any day could be a Sabbath day. You figure it out; I can’t even keep track of all the different calendars these creations create; some have eight days a week, some fourteen. Do what you want; you can keep every third Tuesday holy, just don’t forget I exist and Who AM is the B-O-S-S.
Four: I actually said, “Respect your mother and father”. Some ‘A’ hole changed it to ‘honor’ so he could have live-in slaves. Respect your parents; they have to put up with you.
Five: Murder is bad—really bad—and really pisses me off. Do not do it. (Very strong suggestion!)
Six: Adultery: see ‘Nine’ & ‘Ten’ regarding the ‘covet’ stuff.
Seven: Gotta qualify this one. Don’t steal big stuff, like pension funds or anything more than say a hundred bucks unless you actually pay it back.
Eight: Accusing someone falsely is lying; overall, avoid getting someone else in trouble for what they didn’t do and what you probably did.
Nine: Desiring ‘your neighbor’s goods’ is fine; coveting or wanting something so much you obsess over it can make you Ka-ray-zy. If you want what your neighbor has so just go and earn enough jack to buy it.
Ten: Same as number nine ‘cept if you are married and your neighbor has a hot spouse keep it in your pants. Otherwise, divorce your wife amicably if at all possible. Death, taxes, and change are always there; romantic love is a topic like religion and politics, let’s not talk about it; it’ll only lead to an argument.
Eleven: As far as ‘the clergy’ go, they can marry just like the laity. (That’s funny…if ‘the laity’ are getting laid, what are ‘the clergy’ getting? Nuffin’! LOL
Twelve: Anyone who hurts a child in any way will suffer my Wrath. Don’t even think about it. Dante’s Inferno was like Disney World compared to what’s in store for these people.
Thirteen: If you can’t deal with the above suggestions just check out that movie Lost Horizon. Up in Shangri La, the High Lama taught one great lesson: “Be Kind!” Two simple words: “Be Kind”. Remember that if nothing else! Makes a lot of sense to Me.
I would strongly ‘suggest’ that you don’t mess with the above and—
Whoa! Gotta jet. Check on ya’all soon.
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Richard Anderson is a retired high school Teacher of English who, after never having written anything at all over thirty-eight years in the classroom, lucked out. He co-producedhis first ever screenplay (a short) If I Tell You, which made it into three film festivals, the most prestigious being the Berkshire International Film Festival in Great Barrington, MA. He has also written three screenplays which he is currently pitching to producers as either a full-length feature film or as a limited TV series. Three scripts have been requested so far.