$Reward$ – found parrot (Bay area)
by T.R. North
Found one medium-sized parrot. Possibly some type of cockatoo? Brown feathers, yellow crest, short tail, red eyes. Very sociable, great talker, seems partial to peanuts. Not banded. Might be named Pazuzu or have been raised with another bird named Pazuzu.
Parrot landed on second-floor balcony railing last night in boardwalk district, insisted that “Pazuzu is master”, and tried to entice people to scratch the back of its neck. Can also say “Pretty please”, “Who’s a good bird?”, “All hail the dark lord”, and imitate an old-fashioned telephone ringing. Screams like a dying rabbit (really good impression, may have been raised on a farm or near the woods?) if it wants to play and you ignore it.
Email with description of markings if you think this is your bird. I can only keep it until the weekend, since I don’t have a cage or any bird toys (it’s already knocked all my crosses off the wall and chewed them up) and it won’t stop prophesying the end of all things.
UPDATE: Substantial reward for information leading to parrot’s owner/new home for parrot. It started chanting at night and my neighbors won’t stop complaining to property manager. Local animal rescues won’t take large birds, and the zoo hung up on me when parrot started yelling EXTREMELY rude things about the pope (owner might be stand-up comedian?). Pet deposit is $$$–I need to get this bird out of here pronto.
UPDATE UPDATE: Pazuzu has a forever home! Big shout-out to my property manager and his twin daughters for taking in a lost bird. People like them give me hope for mankind, especially after all the weird dreams I’ve been having lately. (Not to get too personal or anything, just felt like getting that off my chest.)
DISREGARD PREVIOUS UPDATE: Property manager had to give the bird back because of some family problems. (I guess with the nanny? If you’re a nanny looking for a great FT/LI position, check post id: 5891054666 for details! Multiple references REQUIRED and WILL BE CHECKED, though.)
Pazuzu now comes with large cage (for sleeping only, somehow always gets out when awake) and lots of toys. Apparently can also sing in Latin, so bonus for classical music fans! Would prefer to adopt w/in walking dist., since the twins are heartbroken and get kind of hysterical if they can’t see it at least once a day. Bird may also be in a family way? (Ripped up Bible like it needed nesting material.)
Would prefer to adopt soon. Missionaries from local churches keep stopping by my complex, and they all try to break the ice by talking about the bird. Cage also messing with tv reception; only channel that comes in clearly is some weird indie-movie channel running a Cronenberg marathon.
NOTE TO FREREMERRIN73: Stop emailing me weird rants about how much you don’t like parrots. Believe me, I sympathize with how demanding they can be and how much attention they need, but calling them “demons from the darkest pits of hell” is a bit much. I’m filtering everything from you right into the spam folder from now on. Get help, dude.
LAST UPDATE: OK, it’s official, Pazuzu (and family!) is my bird now. Or more like I’m Pazuzu’s human (pets, am I right?). Things have really turned around for me financially, so pet deposit is no problem. Thanks to everyone who emailed links to parrot-care guides, and a huge special mention to baylockedNloaded for the offer to help place the chicks once they’ve fledged. You’re a life-saver, and these little guys definitely deserve some really special homes.
I was pretty on the fence about birds as pets before, but I guess you could say I’m a convert! I honestly don’t know what I’d do without this parrot in my life. I’ve really bonded with the twins, and I feel like we’re almost family now. I just have a sense of purpose that I guess I was missing before, like my life really has some higher meaning now that I’ve got this bird to come home to. I’d do practically anything for it. All hail Pazuzu!
●do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
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T.R. North was born and raised in Florida and has never been featured in a News of the Weird column run in another state. Other works of short fiction can be found in The Fiction Pool, Metaphorosis, and Phantaxis. Follow on Twitter (@northonthegulf) for more shenanigans. Website: northonthegulf.wordpress.com