Not All Spies are Good
by Alex Colvin
Unquestionably, I am the sexiest spy in the world.
That’s part of the job, and I had a big night ahead. I was meeting the head of a multinational corporation for dinner, and I was planning to bug his headquarters and search for evidence that he was outfitting a multinational terrorist organization.
Just another Wednesday.
Would I shoot anyone tonight? Probably. These meetings almost always ended in gunfights. I was already savouring the feeling of kicking some chump through a window, using him as a human shield in midair, while shooting everyone else in the room. That’s why I love my job.
Grinning, I climbed into my Lexus and let the engine roar as I took off for the villain’s lair. It was a quick drive, because drive fast. I was there in eight minutes.
I got out of the car, and took care to whip my sunglasses off in a single motion in case anyone was looking. That’s when I got a good look at the villains lair.
I scowled. This was his lair? This wasn’t right at all. It wasn’t some gleaming, indulgent monument to the man’s accomplishments. It wasn’t a crumbling ruin, beautiful in its decay. It
wasn’t a private space launchpad to take his cult to the moon.
It was an indoor waterpark. Aztec themed. Children ran around in delirious joy as parents chased them, admonished them, or laughed with them. People were eating ice cream, playing arcade games, and enjoying the thrills of indoor waterparks. Was I at the wrong place? I hoped so. I pulled out my phone to check if I had the wrong address, when a woman’s voice called out to me.
I was tempted to spin on my heel to see her, but I played it cool. I turned slowly, and was greeted by a beautiful woman in a cream-coloured dress.
“I am Dominque. Mr. Spyder’s personal assistant. Follow me please.”
I was delighted to follow Dominque and admire her tantalizing figure. Dr. Spyder was clearly villainous. Villains always have a gorgeous girlfriend. Always. I followed her into the lobby and took a look around. Yep, it was an indoor waterpark. Clearly, it was an elaborate front. And I suspected I could pump Dominique for information.
The perfect opportunity arose when she led me to the elevator. Once inside, I leaned against the wall and turned to her. “And how do you find working for Dr. Spyder?”
“He is my fiancé, and he is a good man. He barely makes a profit running this park, he does it to bring joy to the world.”
I moved closer, looking into her large dark eyes. “Come now,” I whispered. “We both know that isn’t true.”
Her mouth hung open and her eyes widened. I had her buzzing like a hummingbird and I’d only done three of ‘the seven things men do that are really sexy’ list I’d read on Buzzfeed.
She took a step towards me, but hesitated.
“Don’t you want to?”
“Yes, but if he sees us-”
“He won’t,” I whispered, pressing her against the glass wall and kissing her.
We kissed the entire ride to the balcony overlooking the theme park. The kissing was so good that I forgot to ask her any questions. Oh well. We broke apart. Dominique’s face was unreadable. She looked into my eyes, but turned away. “If you’ll follow me, please.”
I straightened my tie and followed her. We walked onto a massive balcony that overlooked the park, where there was single table and two chairs placed along the glass railing. Sitting in the furthest chair was my brand-new nemesis, Dr. Spyder. He looked up and smiled at me. He was elderly, but strong-looking and elegantly dressed. He actually looked rather distinguished. He stood up to greet me. “Mr. Skyler,” He said. “Welcome to my dream factory. The most thrilling place in the entire city.”
“Thank you.” I said.
“Would you care for a drink?” He asked, summoning a waiter.
“Yes,” I turned to the waiter. “I’ll have a gin and—”
Before I could finish my order, the waiter set a vanilla coke in front of me. Outraged, I asked. “What the hell is this?”
Dr. Spyder grinned. “I ran a computer algorithm on you when you arrived, Mr. Skyler. It deduced that your favourite drink is vanilla coke.”
Well, it is. But damnit! I’m Fitzroy Skyler and if I’m on a mission, I’m drinking a gin and tonic. But I wasn’t going to waste a perfectly good beverage. Begrudgingly, I took a sip of the can. Dr. Spyder’s grin widened. “Of course, Mr. Skyler,” He said. “You do realize this meeting was doomed from almost the moment you set foot in my dream factory.”
“And what makes you say that?”
“You wooed my fiancé in the elevator.”
“I did no such thing!” I said, feigning outrage. “Do you have cameras in your elevators?”
“Then how could you have known if anything?” I demanded, remembering as I said it that the entire elevator was made of glass and he probably had an excellent vantage point from the balcony to see in it. Oops.
“Because,” Dr. Spyder said. “You have my beloved’s lipstick all over your face.”
Oh crap. That may be. I glanced over at Dominique and saw that her lipstick was smeared. Being quick-witted as I am, I recovered immediately. “Ah,” I said. “I can explain.”
“That’s just paint from the coke can,” I said, holding it up. “With the new cans, the paint comes off when the can gets warm. So it’s not lipstick.”
Dr. Spyder didn’t buy it. “What kind of fool do you take me for?” He demanded.
“One who owns a theme park!” I shot back.
He stood up. “I have no time for games, Mr. Skyler. I know you are a government spy. But why are you here?”
I decided not to bluff. “Because I suspect you of using your business as a front to supply terrorist organizations.”
“It’s not a front. You can check my tax returns.”
“Fine, it’s not! But you’re supplying terrorists with things from your business. I’m sure of it!”
“And what would a terrorist group want with a themed waterpark?
“Perhaps…the water?” I suggested feebly. Lots of terrorists live in the desert, after all. Clean water was probably hard to come by.
Dr. Spyder was dumbstruck. Must’ve been a good guess. I’d rattled him. He pressed a button on the table. “Could security come up to the balcony and remove this fool?”
Two gigantic men in ‘SECURITY’ shirts appeared beside me. Excellent! Security guards! So I would get to shoot people tonight!
Grinning, I stood up and unholstered my gun. I kicked the table aside and leapt at the first guard, tacking him over the railing and into the open air. I turned and fired at Dr. Spyder, catching him in the arm. As I plummeted towards the pool, I saw more guards scrambling to meet me on the ground.
All in a nights work for Skyler…Fitzroy Skyler.
Oh, come on! I had to say it!
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Alex Colvin is an aspiring Canadian humourist who lives in Newfoundland. He’s been published around the web a couple of times, and hopes to go down in (Canadian) history as ‘a poor man’s Mordecai Richler’. Time will tell.