The Most Disgusting Horror Story Ever

The Most Disgusting Horror Story Ever

by BG Hilton
“Sir, it is a pleasure to finally meet you. I have always—”

“Pssh! Save your flattery for the insecure. I know I’m the most important man in Hollywood. I know that if there was an Oscar for ‘Being Too Important to Have to Deal with the Likes of You’, I’d have won it every year since 1983. You have ten minutes of my time, starting now. Make your pitch.”

“…Very well. Okay… Vampires—”

“Vampires? Already, I am bored. They were played out as villains years ago, and they are already losing ground as romantic leads.”

“True, sir. The vampire idea is horribly outmoded. But have you considered the old theory of the humours?”

“I know that I am a Hollywood producer, so this might be difficult to imagine, but for the sake of argument, let us pretend that I am not well read.”

“It’s an old medical theory, long abandoned. It states that the human body is composed of four fluids, or humours. One is blood; the others are yellow bile, black bile and phlegm.”

“I have a terrible feeling about where this is going. Tell me, which sort of bile do you think is welling up within me now?”

“That would be black bile, sir. Choler. From which we get the word ‘choleric’, meaning angry and impatient. You see, the humours were linked to temperament. Those with an excess of blood were considered ‘sanguine’, or cheerful and optimistic.”

“I cannot help but notice that vampires are neither of these things.”

“Exactly. Because they don’t have enough blood. May I go on?”

“Against my better judgement.”

“You see, vampires lack any trace of these sanguine characteristics, causing them to become hungry for blood. Now, what do you think is associated with phlegm?”

“Tom Waits?”


“Harvey Fierstein?”

“No, I mean what temperament.”

“Phlegm… oh, I get it; phlegmatic. Calm and steadiness. Though cannot say I feel this way when suffering from excess of the stuff.”

“As I said, it’s an abandoned theory, and they abandoned it for good reasons. But, suppose it were true, and an undead creature was constantly jittery and excitable, and needed this fluid to relax. He would of course become-”

“A… a phlegmpire?”

“Got it in one! They sleep all summer, but when winter comes they rise from the grave to feast upon the—”

“Stop! For the love of God stop. Kid, did you ever hear the rumour that I once broke Tom Hanks’ collar bone with a Golden Globe award?”


“You have now.”

“Look, I still have a few minutes left. Hear me out.”

“Kid, kid, kid. All the time in the world won’t help. Your idea is a stinker. I’m not developing it. If you were developing it for the Lower Podunk Independent Film Festival, I wouldn’t lend you my iPhone to film it on. Hell, I’d break your phone, and call it a favour.”

“Exactly, sir. It’s a terrible idea.”

“Again, I am feeling choleric. If nothing else, you have expanded my vocabulary.”

“Sir, you need bad ideas. Terrible ones. Why? There are no good ideas left in Hollywood. It’s all remakes and comic book adaptations. You had a good run, but it’s time to admit: everything worth filming has been filmed. Everything unworthy of being filmed has been filmed. The time has come to go to the next level—anti-worthy ideas. Now the box office might—”

“Say nothing about the box office! Spit on the flag! Insult your mother! Insult my mother! Blaspheme against God Almighty, but do not criticise the box office! Even in these decadent days, some things must remain sacred.”

“What I mean is, the big money makers are recycled ideas, but people complain about the recycling. You need to show them how wrong they are. You need a new idea so awful as to put the public off of new ideas forever. And with respect sir, a film about undead creatures that give their victims tracheotomies, and then slu—”

“Stop! Enough! Kid, you’ve clearly put a lot of thought into this. Perhaps too much thought, when all’s said and done. Have you considered that instead of garlic, phlegmpires might be driven off by honey-and-lemon?”

“Yes; that or maybe eucalyptus oil.”

“Definitely too much thought. But even so, a stinker of an idea like this could never get made, and even if it did, no one would see it.”

“You’re almost right, sir.”

“Almost right is the same as wrong. Which is the same as me kicking your…”

“I mean, sir, that there is one man with the power and the resources to get this horrible turd approved, filmed and given so much publicity as to ensure a critical mass of people see it.”

“It would be a challenge of a lifetime. But could even I manage it?”

“Anyone who says that problems aren’t solved by throwing money at them never met Michael Bay.”

“Ah! To think that there are people who have not met Michael Bay! How I envy them! An object lesson, kid. All power comes at a price. When you have developed this idea, I expect to see something in it about the folly of hubris. And also maybe a gunfight in a Kleenex warehouse.”

“You mean…”

“You have a deal.”

“Thank you sir! You won’t regret this.”

“That’s right, son. Tell yourself whatever helps you sleep at night.”

BG Hilton
BG Hilton is an Australian author. He’s basically ok, once you get to know him. His website is, where he blogs about Frankenstein movies and is serializing a comedy/fantasy novel.

4 thoughts on “The Most Disgusting Horror Story Ever

  1. Disgusting, of course meant ironically- what a fun read! The author has coined a new word – “phlegmpire”…gotta love THAT – just you wait, Hollywood will be all over this idea. Well done!

    1. Vampires have been done to death. They’re becoming boring but this is clever, original. moves right along, well done. I like it.

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